7 Steps to Support Loved Ones in Crisis: A Practical Guide
Follow the steps outlined to support your loved ones through challenging times!
With the LA fires this past week, it has become more and more apparent to me that emotional detachment has become a widespread and chronic defense mechanism. This is very understandable given all of the major tragedies, natural disasters, and worldwide epidemics in the past several years. It is much easier for people to look away and not care — as I fully know the mental and physical toll it can take when you get pulled in. However, it is important to sustain the strength of empathy and compassion.
As many people were faced with (and are still facing) quick evacuations this week, it is evident that the only things that really matter in this life are your loved ones, safety, health, and sentimental items. We focus so much of our time as a society striving for success to gain more material possessions, but often at the expense of these things. I have seen a big shift from a collectivist to an individualistic society, especially in recent years.
Therapy buzzwords have warped many people into thinking that any sacrifice made on behalf of someone else is harmful to themselves (this is not me criticizing therapy as I’m a strong proponent of it — just against the twisted messaging in the media). This creates a lack mindset, and tricks people into thinking that there is not enough love, compassion, support, and success to go around.
How in the world is liking or commenting on a close friend’s post, supporting a business, spreading awareness, sending words of kindness, or lending a helping hand taking anything away from you? It is a very normal part of any close connection to have to make sacrificies, go out of your way, or lend a helping hand every now and then. Of course, use your best judgement if someone is using you or creating an imbalanced relationship — but often nowadays, that is not the case. Often times, you will find more success and good karma come your way by doing good.
There are many people going through a crisis now — not just in LA, but worldwide — and compassionate support is needed now more than ever. I personally have been through a crisis taking a strong toll on my mental and physical capabilities, so I offer some first-hand thoughts on how I was best supported through that time. I have provided 7 practical steps in the guide below that you can follow to support your loved ones no matter the situation. Sending love to everyone out there, especially those going through a crisis. <3
1. Check-In Often
Simply performing the small act of sending a text or calling is extremely meaningful in a crisis. Even if you believe or have proof that they are okay, checking-in shows that you care about their well-being. Think about it, if you were in their shoes and knew other people had the information that you were in crisis and still chose not to check-in after days on end — would it not be hurtful? This should not even come as a second thought if you know this person has checked in on you in the past. Simply doing this act validates their existence in this world.
And if they themself reach out to you, please respond in a timely matter - no one is that busy, and a simple text only takes a few seconds to send. Reference the post below for some ideas on what to send rather than “how are you?”. This is not a terrible thing to send as you are still showing that you care, but if you know they are in a crisis — you probably already know the answer to that question.
2. Tune Up Your Active Listening Skills
Sometimes all someone needs is a loved one who is willing to listen rather than problem-solving. If you are committing yourself to a conversation and listening, it is important to frequently engage. Make sure the timing is right when you send a text or call so that you may dedicate time to that conversation rather than leaving them hanging and feeling worse. See the bullets below on ways to enhance your active listening skills.
Provide your undivided attention
Give verbal and/or non-verbal cues (nodding, eye contact, “I understand”, “tell me more”)
Ask follow-up questions
Do not interrupt them
Validate what they are saying
Empathize with them
3. Avoid Invalidation and Toxic Positivity
Finding the good in things, silver linings, and the bright side is a great skill to have in life — but should not be used with someone going through a crisis. Sometimes, bad things do happen in life that cannot be avoided or fixed immediately. Your loved one should not feel guilty or pressured into a positive outlook; they need time to fully process their emotions and what they are going through. If someone is telling you how they feel or what they are going through, believe them! Many people are experts at masking in front of others (even those closest to them) or in public, but are moving through pain on their own. It is often the strongest, quietest, or even funniest people who need to be checked in on the most. They most often will never let you see what is truly going on with them, but believing and validating them is most important.
4. Help with Errands and Administrative Tasks
For me personally, the hardest things to do during a time of crisis are upkeep of daily routine maintenance and administrative tasks. Often times with various crises, a ton of paperwork and processing is needed when someone is already in a state of overwhelm. This was definitely something I struggled with, as the last thing someone wants to do is be on the phone for hours or fill out pages and pages of paperwork when there are so many other things to worry about. Simply being there to help them fill out paperwork or running errands is a small form of support that is incredibly meaningful.
5. Be Patient and Respect Boundaries
More times than not, a lot of people will not ask for help or open up about their struggles — and that is totally okay. Do not place any expectations on them, and especially do not place expectations on yourself that this is any indicator of your support or strength of relationship. A lot of people, myself included, prefer to solve their issues on their own but every check-in and form of support is never forgotten or taken for granted. Even if they do not respond much or take up on any offers, know that you are doing an amazing job — so please do not take it as rejection.
If they end up placing any boundaries at all, please note that they are probably hanging by a teeny, tiny thread at this point - so do not push anything on them. If you know that you tend to hover, perhaps set an agreement on how often to check-in or ask things of them.
6. Provide Comfort
In order to create a safe space for someone you love, it is important to provide comfort in any small way that you can. This may include knowing their favorite activities, movies or shows, snacks, music, and places. It is often the most sentimental actions that stick with people, so you do not have to put a lot of time or effort into these things. A small act of simply showing that you were thinking of them, and providing something of comfort goes a long way. This could include setting up a cozy movie night, dropping off their favorite snack or ice cream, sending a stuffed animal (yes, adults love stuffed animals too), texting a warm memory, or even gifting a book on their wishlist.
7. Take Care of Yourself
You cannot support someone else if you do not take care of yourself, so make sure your cup is full first. The last thing anyone going through a crisis would want is the guilt of making anyone else’s life worse, so make sure that you know what you are committing yourself to. No one is expected to be available at all times, so come up with a plan on how you will prioritize your own self care when supporting your loved ones. It is no easy job to be that rock, especially for a long time duration, so it is just as important to ensure that you do not experience any mental or physical burnout.
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