From Self-Sabotage to Success: 11 Powerful Steps
Empower yourself to break free from the cycle of self-sabotage and finally achieve the success you deserve with these 11 powerful and proven steps
#1: Kill Your Ego and Need for External Validation
Is your ego holding you back? The need for validation can be a major form of self-sabotage. While killing your ego might sound daunting, it's about breaking free from these limitations, not destroying your self-worth. In fact, it's quite the opposite: it fosters true self-confidence.
Here are some examples of habits to start forming:
Asking for help is a sign of strength, especially when facing tough challenges. However, developing independence is equally important for long-term growth (identify what is out of reach that requires support immediately, versus what you know you can accomplish even if it requires a little push). A good test is discerning whether you feel hesitant to ask based on fear of judgement or a bruised ego (when you should ask), or if it is your first instinct to ask someone (more likely an easier task you can handle on your own).
We all crave a little positive feedback sometimes, but true strength comes from within. Work on finding contentment in your actions—whether it's what you wear, what you buy, or what you create—independent of likes or praise. The journey to self-acceptance involves releasing the need for external validation. While collaboration has its place, the focus should be on freeing yourself from the anxiety of depending on others' opinions. Healthy self-esteem is essential for respecting your own worth, decisions, and ideas, allowing you to move forward without undue guilt or uncertainty. Cultivating this internal compass will guide you towards a more fulfilling and intrinsically driven life.
Learning to approach ourselves and others with empathy and compassion rather than quick judgement is transformative. It opens our minds, deepens our relationships, and fosters greater understanding. This shift takes time and effort, but the ability to truly empathize and hold space (hold my finger Ariana!) for others' experiences (and our own) is invaluable. Extending that same compassion to ourselves allows us to heal and overcome challenges more effectively. We all have negative thoughts from time to time, whether directed at ourselves or others. When you notice one, try pausing and asking yourself, "Why am I thinking this?" This simple question can be surprisingly powerful, often revealing underlying biases or insecurities and allowing you to shift towards a more compassionate perspective.
We've all heard it: "Comparison is the thief of joy." It's so true, especially when we're used to achieving our goals. But true joy comes from celebrating others' wins, even when it's not our moment. It is most important to focus on our own unique journey — everyone’s growth and timelines look different. The only person you should be trying to outdo is your past self (though it is important to recognize that our own goals and metrics of success will change from time to time). A little friendly competition is fine, but constant comparison creates a nasty habit of either constantly putting others down or diminishing your own self-worth. Some habits to break: constantly copying others, comparing yourself to others, trying to outdo others, obsessively following people you dislike online, and holding yourself to unrealistic standards based on others' (potentially privileged) circumstances.
#2: “Insanity is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again and Expecting a Different Result”
While consistency is often key to success, it's vital to recognize when a repetitive behavior becomes counterproductive. If you suspect you're stuck in a negative cycle, you need to find a way to disrupt it. This requires careful discernment, as there are countless examples of perseverance leading to eventual breakthroughs. The challenge lies in knowing when to persist and when to pivot!
Here are some examples of repetitive cycles we often encounter:
Communication challenges: Am I contributing to misunderstandings, or are others simply being unreasonable? Can I possibly improve by following up more promptly and proactively, ensuring balanced participation, and practicing more clear and concise communication?
Procrastination: Is it a manageable tendency, or is it significantly hindering my goals? Are my current accountability methods sufficient, or do I need to explore other strategies?
Job hunting: Is simply applying enough, or should I refine my strategy? This could include getting resume feedback, networking for referrals, or focusing on skill development.
Healthy lifestyle balance: Is this a temporary busy period where self-compassion is key, or do I need to make environmental changes? Are my current goals sustainable, or are they contributing to burnout?
Taking responsibility: Am I deflecting blame, or am I taking ownership of my actions? Are others suddenly unreasonable, or have they simply reached their limit with my behavior?
#3: Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
Leaving the familiar comfort of being a "big fish in a small pond" for the challenging waters of a larger arena can be daunting. But true growth and the discovery of your full potential—even the understanding of your own limits—require venturing beyond that comfort zone. It is easy to settle into predictable routines, familiar environments, and modest goals. However, if you aspire to achieve truly significant things, honest self-reflection is essential. You must analyze the specific steps needed to reach your ambitions, identify the obstacles holding you back, and strategize how to overcome them. Each challenge you conquer and each feat you accomplish not only brings you closer to your goals, but also strengthens your ability to break through future limitations.
To help you unlock your full potential, consider these self-reflective questions:
How often do I find myself feeling bored or only mildly challenged by my current routine? This can be a key indicator that you've outgrown your current environment.
What are my long-term visions? What obstacles, real or perceived, are preventing me from actively pursuing them? Identifying these roadblocks is the first step to dismantling them.
What incremental steps, however small, can I take today to start bridging the gap between where I am and where I want to be? Small, consistent actions build momentum and lead to significant change over time.
Are there online resources, community groups, or social settings where I can connect with like-minded individuals? Building a supportive network can provide invaluable encouragement and insights.
Who are my role models, and what qualities do I admire most about them? Understanding what inspires you in others can illuminate your own path to growth.
How can I integrate these "stretch goals" into my life in a sustainable way? Long-term success requires a plan that balances ambition with realistic integration and avoids burnout.
#4: Know Your Triggers
We've all been there: feeling overwhelmed, shutting down, or realizing we've been manipulated. A lack of self-awareness can leave us vulnerable. It's a reminder that even good people can be triggered. The key is to develop self-awareness so we can navigate these situations more effectively. Discovering your triggers is a process of self-reflection — it involves carefully examining past patterns, behaviors, and their consequences. Success, while rewarding, can introduce new challenges, including increased scrutiny and more demanding environments. Do not let a lack of self-control derail your hard-won achievements.
Some examples of triggers to self-reflect on:
Consider how your communication patterns change when you're under pressure. Do you become more easily irritated or defensive?
Think about how you respond to criticism. Do you tend to shut down, or are you able to receive feedback constructively?
In situations where you feel pressure to perform, do you feel an overwhelming need to have all the answers? How does this pressure affect you?
What unresolved insecurities might be contributing to your emotional responses or comparison to others?
Looking back at recent emotional reactions or meltdowns, what events or circumstances preceded them? What insights can you gain from these experiences?
What do you do to cope with stress? Prioritizing your well-being means evaluating your coping mechanisms and making adjustments if needed.
#5: Document Your Goals, Plans, Milestones, and Manifestations
Putting your aspirations in writing is a powerful first step toward making them a reality. Since you understand your own motivations and tendencies best, design accountability mechanisms tailored to your specific needs, rather than relying solely on generic advice from the latest self-help book or podcast. Develop a system for capturing both your short-term and long-term goals, and establish concrete targets for each. Once you've defined those major milestones, break them down into smaller, actionable steps. This creates a clear roadmap leading to your ultimate objective. And if you practice manifestation, ensure you're employing effective techniques (stay tuned for a future blog post on this topic).
These documentation practices serve not only as a roadmap for the future but also as a valuable record of all that you have accomplished. These tools will also empower you to prioritize long-term fulfillment over fleeting, short-term gratification. I personally define long-term goals as those I aim to achieve within the next three to five years (or even ten!), while short-term goals are those I plan to accomplish within six months to a year.
Consider these accountability mechanisms to integrate into your routine, choosing the ones that resonate most with your own preferences:
Daily Planner: A structured planner can help you allocate time for specific tasks related to your goals, ensuring consistent progress.
Free-Form Journal: A journal provides space for reflection, brainstorming, and tracking your progress. Blank pages provide a canvas for dumping your thoughts, which can then be structured into a plan.
Planning App: Numerous apps offer convenient solutions for goal setting, task management, and progress tracking. Many also include features for reminders and notifications.
Whiteboard: A physical whiteboard can be a powerful tool for maintaining accountability and fostering brainstorming, especially for those who benefit from overt visual reminders. The expansive surface also provides ample space for brainstorming, mind-mapping, and visually organizing ideas.
Accountability Partner: Sharing your goals with a trusted friend or family member and scheduling regular check-ins can provide external motivation and support.
Spreadsheet: A spreadsheet allows you to organize your goals by category, track milestones, and visualize your progress with charts and graphs. Using separate tabs for different areas of your life can enhance organization.
Vision Board: Vision boards are most effective when grounded in specific, written goals. Use the board to visually represent your aspirations, but ensure each image is backed by clear, written objectives to provide focus and direction.
#6: Spend Time Alone and Take Breaks
A packed schedule and constant stimulation often stifle creativity and inspiration. Those "aha!" moments we crave are more likely to surface in the quiet moments we create for ourselves—time spent journaling, a long walk in nature, the contemplative space of a shower, or the stillness of meditation. When immersed in a challenging project, taking a break can be surprisingly productive. Stepping away, even for a short time, allows you to return with fresh eyes and a renewed perspective, often leading to breakthroughs and solutions that were previously elusive.
Structured Time Management:
Pomodoro Technique: Work in focused bursts (e.g., 25 minutes) followed by short breaks (e.g., 5 minutes). After a set number of cycles (e.g., 4), take a longer break (e.g., 20-30 minutes). This balances focused work with regular mental refreshment.
Timeboxing: Allocate specific time blocks for tasks and stick to them. This helps maintain focus and prevent tasks from spilling over. Breaks can be scheduled between boxes. For many, this is simply a calendar (lol)!
"Deep Work" Blocks: Schedule longer, uninterrupted blocks of time (e.g., 90-120 minutes) for focused work on cognitively demanding tasks. These require careful planning and elimination of distractions. Breaks are crucial for recovery after deep work sessions.
Mindfulness and Meditation:
Mindful Breaks: Even short breaks can be powerful if used mindfully. Focus on your breath, observe your surroundings, or simply allow your mind to wander without judgment.
Meditation: Regular meditation practice can improve focus, reduce stress, and enhance creativity. Even a few minutes a day can make a difference. There are plenty of apps that can help facilitate meditation, or you can even partake in my favorite meditation activity—sound baths!
Body Scan Meditation: This involves focusing attention on different parts of the body, noticing sensations without judgment. It can be a great way to relax and de-stress during a break. This can also be done while on a walk.
Creative Exploration:
Freewriting: Set a timer and write continuously without worrying about grammar or structure. This can help unlock new ideas and overcome writer's block.
Mind Mapping: Start with a central idea and branch out with related concepts, keywords, and images. This visual technique can help you explore connections and generate new ideas.
Sketching, Doodling, or Painting: Even if you're not an artist, drawing or painting can be a great way to relax and let your mind wander. It can also spark unexpected insights.
Physical Activity:
Exercise: Physical activity releases endorphins (and endorphins make you happy! - Legally Blonde), which have mood-boosting and stress-reducing effects. Even a short walk, stretching, or a quick workout can be beneficial. I personally like to keep resistance bands by my desk for a quick low-impact break.
Movement Breaks: Incorporate short bursts of movement into your day. This could be anything from stretching at your desk, doing a few jumping jacks, or having a quick dance party!
Change of Scenery: Moving to a different location, even within your home or office, can help refresh your mind and spark new ideas. Maintaining a clean and organized environment, and even having plants around help tremendously!
Other Techniques:
Reading: Reading can be a great way to escape from your work and gain new perspectives.
Listening to Music: Music can have a powerful effect on mood and creativity. Choose music that inspires you or helps you relax. I love to make personalized playlists for all of my different moods, and especially love listening to Hz/Frequency music when I am working and sleeping.
Social Connection: Spending time with friends or family can be a great way to recharge and gain new perspectives. However, be mindful of how much social interaction you need to recharge vs. drain you (I often emphasize energy givers versus takers).
Napping (Short Power Naps): A short nap (20-30 minutes) can improve alertness and cognitive function. Avoid longer naps, as they can make you feel groggy.
Sensory Deprivation (Float Tanks, etc.): These can be great for some, but can also be overstimulating for others.
#7: Sustain Your Relationships and Support System
Pursuing ambitious dreams and visions is incredibly rewarding, but the path is rarely smooth. It's inevitably full of challenges, setbacks, and sometimes even failures. That's why maintaining strong relationships and building a solid support system is absolutely essential. Having trusted friends and family in your corner—offering both comfort and motivation when you need it most—can make all the difference. These are the people who will not only help you weather the storms but also celebrate your eventual successes with genuine joy.
It's crucial to discern between those who genuinely support you and those who are drawn to your success for their own gain. True support comes from people who value you for who you are, not what you have achieved or what you are able to provide for others. Be mindful of those who only appear when things are going well and may even try to manipulate you for their benefit. Conversely, be equally wary of those who thrive on an imbalanced power dynamic and struggle to celebrate your achievements. These individuals may feel threatened by your success or seek to maintain a position of dominance in the relationship. Their inability to genuinely celebrate your wins can manifest in subtle or overt ways, from minimizing your accomplishments to expressing resentment or jealousy.
Because healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and admiration, pay close attention to how others respond to your successes. Anything less than genuine support and joy should be a red flag. Prioritize cultivating relationships with individuals who celebrate your authentic self, offer unwavering support regardless of your circumstances, and whose presence in your life is a consistent source of encouragement and positive influence.
#8: Make Failure, Rejection, and Change Your Friend
We often hear inspiring stories of famous celebrities, entrepreneurs, and founders who faced countless rejections before finally achieving their breakthrough. These narratives serve as powerful reminders of the tenacity required to pursue ambitious dreams. Yet, despite the widespread knowledge of these journeys, many still grapple with the fear of failure and rejection. Change can also be daunting for many, but in today's rapidly evolving industries, adaptability is not just an asset—it is essential for survival.
If you find yourself struggling with fear of failure, rejection, or change, consider incorporating these practices into your life:
Rejection Therapy: The only way to build resilience to rejection is to actively seek out situations where it's possible. This might involve applying for jobs you feel underqualified for, asking for things with a low probability of approval, or even practicing cold calling. The goal is to desensitize yourself to the sting of rejection and build your capacity to bounce back.
Actively Solicit Feedback: This practice not only provides valuable insights for improvement, but also cultivates crucial skills. You will learn to discern useful criticism from less relevant input, develop a more nuanced understanding of different perspectives, and ultimately view feedback as a powerful tool for growth rather than personal judgment.
Embrace New Skills: Learning a new skill or tackling a new project provides a safe space to experience failure and practice learning from mistakes. This process fosters a growth mindset, where setbacks are seen as opportunities for improvement rather than personal defeats.
Introduce Intentional Change: While change often comes uninvited, proactively incorporating it into your routine can build your adaptability muscles. This could involve experimenting with a new cooking method, updating your style, trying a different exercise routine, or even simply using a different tool to accomplish a familiar task. These small acts of intentional change can make you more comfortable with the unknown and better equipped to handle larger, unforeseen shifts.
#9: Learn How to Self Soothe, Take Care of Yourself, and Embrace Unique Belief Systems
Self-soothing is a critical skill, especially when pursuing challenging goals, and will be a key theme in my upcoming "Living Solo" series. The more you stretch yourself, the more likely you are to experience overwhelm, which can manifest in various emotional and physical ways. Knowing how to effectively self-soothe is essential for a quick bounce back. There will inevitably be times when your loved ones aren't available, making the ability to recover independently absolutely paramount. Personally, I find relief through a few techniques: keeping a calming essential oil rollerball nearby, listening to hz frequency music, practicing deep breathing exercises, stimulating my vagus nerve with rhythmic chest tapping (a technique I learned from my wonderful therapist), and establishing a mindful wind-down routine. While everyone's self-soothing practices will differ, the important thing is to identify what works best for you and make it a regular part of your self-care.
Prioritizing your health becomes crucial during periods of stress, and self-accountability is key. Honestly assess your current habits regarding meals, exercise, sleep, hydration, and vitamin intake. I've personally identified my own vulnerabilities in these areas and have developed plans to get back on track when things inevitably get derailed. The fundamental principle is this: treat your health like a full-time job. You cannot effectively pursue your visions and dreams if your health is compromised.
Everyone, in some way, possesses a belief system, whether it's rooted in religion, spirituality, astrology, superstition (like lucky socks), or even fervent fandom (being a member of the Beyhive). Regardless of how others perceive these beliefs, it is vital to cherish your own unique perspectives, as they provide guidance and direction in your daily life. No matter how influential or powerful a person may be, everyone holds onto something they believe in. It's essential not to lose sight of that!
#10: Radically Accept Yourself and Emody Authenticity
The more success that comes your way, the more opinions there will be even from those closest to you on how you should market yourself, or what next steps you should take. It is important to have already radically accepted yourself, even all of your flaws, so that you or even people around you do not alter the magical person you are. When rising up, you will often start to join circles with people who may be a bigger public persona, have more followers, make more money than you, or have a traditionally attractive look. No matter what gets thrown at you, it is so important to stay true to yourself throughout your journey—even if you are misunderstood. At the end of the day, people love authenticity and you will want to look back and be proud of the decisions you made in your own unique way.
#11: Continuously Connect to Your Purpose
When immersed in the thick of challenging endeavors, it is easy to lose sight of your initial purpose or mission. That is why, even before embarking on a significant journey, it is crucial to clearly define your "why"—the driving force behind your pursuit. While circumstances and goals may evolve over time, remaining connected to your core purpose will provide much needed grounding, motivation, and help you navigate inevitable obstacles. This connection can be nurtured through various means, such as crafting a personal mission statement, curating a collection of inspiring materials, or reconnecting with people or communities that hold deep personal significance.
Interested in working with me? Schedule here!
If you enjoyed this blog post, I would greatly appreciate you taking a moment to browse my other blog posts (I write on lifestyle, beauty, travel, restaurants, working in tech, and cocktails + wine), subscribe, and/or make a donation. Donation proceeds go toward monthly Squarespace fees, PO box fees, website enhancements, ad campaigns, SEO tools, and time investment in addition to my full-time job. Thank you for your readership from the bottom of my heart! xx Nicole
